Live love; Love life

Lady in Waiting

2009-01-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

Restless
Unfulfilled
Wanting
Dreaming
Wondering
Wishing
How long?
Where?
When?
Will it happen?
Complacent for now
Contentment desired.
What’s in store?
Where am I supposed to be?
Displaced
Yet blessed
Motivated
Undirected
Confused
Searching
Dizzied
Where is the calling?
Where is the purpose?
Love
Be loved
Love Him.
Love them.
Love me.
Accept and adapt.
Best friend role
Never the leading lady
Is that good enough for me?
Can I do anything about it?
Is it what I should be doing?
Selflessness vs. selfishness
Where am I on the scale?
Solidified waiting
Enjoy.

Honestly, these are words and thoughts that have filled my mind for a while now, and I never came to any peace about it until yesterday--sitting in my broken down car on the side of the road, nowhere near a gas station, waiting so impatiently for my dad to get there and help me. I couldn’t do anything about where I was, but could really only look around in the car and search the heavens to ask this “ever-loving” God to give me some peace. I finally let some emotion out from where it had been sitting in the pit of my stomach for so long, and tried writing out some, honestly, angry prayers in my forlorn prayer journal. So much change has been happening for so many people in my life, that I feel dizzied at the thought of it all, happy that they are all moving at light speed, but wondering why I'm standing still, watching it all pass by. At that moment, I was begging God to speak to me: “Send me some clear sign as to what I’m supposed to be doing with all this time You’ve given me!” I’ve been hard at work serving Him in churches, and encouraging others to live wholeheartedly for Him, but have been lacking within myself the same encouragement I was giving out. I have been trying to do everything I can to live wholeheartedly for Him, filling my life with services, trying to show Him I love Him, and praying for the answer to my questions. And yet it only took ten seconds of a sermon podcast to wake me to the purpose. It’s not all about me. This waiting thing is just another chapter in His sovereign story of love for the world. I’m but a stitch in the whole tapestry, but the place where I am is beautiful, too. He fills my world with color and beauty, no matter where on the road I am—moving at full speed or stuck in the shoulder. This waiting forces me to stop and look around, notice the beautiful things in the present location before rushing to the next phase. Eager waiting is good… but enjoying it is better. Don’t get blinded by the foggy unknown ahead of you… look to your sides and praise Him for the people and the blessings you already have surrounding you. Look back and thank Him for the past because it and all its ups and downs have brought you to this beautiful place. Enjoy the present while it’s here, because soon enough it’ll be gone and over, and you’ll be wishing for it back. Knowing what’s ahead will only cause discontentment and hastiness, so maybe that’s why He never tells us ahead of time. All we need to know is

1) It’s not about our story, but His instead.
2) He knows what will happen.
3) He’s promised us His best, not what we can come up with for ourselves.
4) Whatever happens, He’s always with us, so we are never without reason to be filled with joy.
5) Wherever we are, we need to be living for His present glory, so that others’ future joys will be secure for eternity.

What’s funny is that I’ve known these things and have been telling myself this over and over and over, but it takes His timing to let it sink into my heart. Life with God is supposed to be this great adventure, filled with swashbuckling tales of faith and trust no matter how many storms set in… this grand rollercoaster ride, where we can wholeheartedly throw our hands in the air, let go of the handlebars and let Him fill our world with thrills we could never have on the ground. So I guess waiting is that sweet moment just before hitting the first big drop on the ride. You’re holding on and trusting the Lord’s course, all the while looking around at the spectacular view, the friends at your sides about to take the drop with you, and knowing that this is the ride of your dreams. It took so much to get in the seat, get up the hill, that now you can praise Him that you’re even up where you are. Enjoying life is not about having what you want, but instead about being where you want to be… in that seat, with those people, captivated by the love that surrounds you and fills your heart for the One moving the car.
I've let go of the handlebars... so we'll see where He takes me.

Elephants are too loud, and donkeys kick too hard.

2008-09-04T21:19:00.001-07:00

Caution: This is a vent about politics... so either read it and get over it, or don't read it at all... :o)

I'm getting sick of it.
I'm not going to spill my personal politics, just my observations.

I can't stand that we let elections turn the otherwise most dignified people in the country into little children fighting over all the new toys they might get in November. Posting facebook "statuses" (stati) that exclaim your views, and shove it in the other party's face is arrogant and rude. I don't care if you're democrat, republican, or undecided... it's flat out offensive. The election is NOT a college football game, where fans can be as loud and obnoxious as they want about how much better their team is, just to have a game decide for them in four quarters and 3 hours. Elections like this one decide who the leader of the free world will be, who will get the nukes, who will decide what our lives will look like for atleast the next four years, if not eight. So, quit all the whining and debating, trying to change other people's minds. In the end, you're either yelling at people who are deaf to you (the other party), or at people who will then run the other way (the undecided). Guess what!?!?! He who yells louder doesn't WIN!
All that matters is what you personally think, and that should be kept to yourself. It's okay if you want to label yourself as Red or Blue. You're entitled to your own opinion. But there's a REASON why there are PRIVATE voting booths. There's a reason why there's anonymity with the votes themselves. Your opinion is NO ONE ELSE'S BUSINESS, when it comes to voting. You know why??? Because they are entitled to their own opinion, too. So, posting little comments that bring the other party down, or try to prove a point for your own party is just petty and stupid in my eyes. Doing all of that just makes the fight for the office that much more dirty.
Toward the end of these races, the debates end up on personal levels for the candidates- trying to make each other look bad in order to win votes. It's even more frustrating to me when party members, including some friends of mine, end up debating the same personal stuff, in lieu of the issues at hand: the war, gas prices, healthcare and education. We let all of that important stuff slide onto the backburners while we wail on each other about beliefs and morals and things that won't change on a personal level. Who cares if Obama doesn't wear a flag pin? Who gives a crap how old McCain is? All that really matters is what they are going to do with the four or eight years they are given to rule the country. And those little things we fight about don't mean anything for the future.
So, in all, please don't go debating anything until you've educated yourself on the candidates, their respective views on the issues, their plans to change the country, and their respective political histories. There's a LOT out there to be researched, and not just what CNN or FOX tells us to believe. Look it up for yourself. Make your own decision. Don't let the media rule what you think, just because they are right there in front of you. Figure out what YOU think about the IMPORTANT issues at hand, stuff that will change the future, and make your decision. Please don't base it on your morals or on what the candidates say theirs are. (FYI, I just found out last night through some research that McCain has had a few affairs in his past, one of which became his present wife... and Obama has some interesting skeletons in his closet, too). They're probably lying most of the time, because the only thing they want from us is our vote.
All they really need is for us to check their name on our ballot in order to get what they want. And usually, politicians who make it big are big fat liars. It's just a fact. And that's what's so funny to me! They let the media play little petty games with their personal lives in order to win our votes, most of which usually result from one or two media headlines, instead of any kind of research on the issues at hand. How sad is that? We're just little pawns in the big scheme of things. Unless we get past all the BS in the speeches, articles, and slogans, we'll never make wise decisions as a country. We are given a unique opportunity in this day and age. Never before has a country been so affluent in opportunities for further knowledge (internet, books, newspapers, historical records), but we let the media spoon feed us everything we THINK we need to know. And that same country has the chance to take whatever knowledge we come up with and CHOOSE for ourselves the leader we want. That's an amazing choice to have. Let's take advantage of it.
Just vote, and make the most of the opportunity. And meanwhile, don't be a two year old about it.

So nothing can contain me

2008-08-17T20:52:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been reading this book that I definitely recommend to anyone wanting to fall more in love with Jesus... it's called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. So, some of this entry is inspired by what the Lord's been telling me through that book, and also just by His enormous presence in my mind recently.
The book helps outline those basic, fundamental truths about who God is, how unfathomably big He is, and how unbelievable it is to think that He shrinks Himself to be small for us on a daily basis. By saying that, I in no way am expressing that He can be contained or put into some box for us to tote around. No, indeed! Instead I mean that He, being so grand and big in nature, makes Himself approachable on a personal level with us, some comparatively small creatures He loves in such a big way. The only way a big God can.
There's a video you need to watch... so open a new window on your computer and just watch it: Go to www.crazylovebook.com, and click on videos. Find "The Awe Factor of God", and be amazed.... that's right... right now.
HOW SMALL ARE WE?!?!?! Pretty humbling, isn't it?
So, for God, in all His splendor, to love us in such a big way, is pretty dang unbelievable, right?
That's what I've been struggling with lately. I start my days with a quiet time, and a quick prayer... and I end my day with a chapter of the book and a longer, journaled prayer. But somewhere in between the beginning and the end, I forget Him. I forget my First Love. I am not conscious of His moment-by-moment presence in my life, and I have trouble living out my days trying to glorify Him in everything I do. It's so repeatedly brought to my attention every night: His great love for me, and how much I screw our relationship up every single day. How dare I come off as a God-loving and fearing Christian, someone who can so easily advise others to do His will, when I'm not even doing it myself? How dare I pray as if I love Him back, when I don't live like it? It's as if I come home and say I love Him so much every night, kiss Him on the cheek in the morning, and then go off and carry on an affair with my other "gods" all day long.
I feel so horrible about not loving Him back in the way He deserves. I do try, don't get me wrong. It's just mind-blowing to think that He comes and embraces me with such incredible grace and mercy, with the kind of love that can only pour out of His enormous heart, makes Himself approachable for me, and I keep pretending so much. He knows I do, too. I just can't wrap my mind around how BIG He is, and how SMALL I am, and how GREAT His love is for me, and how FEEBLE mine is for Him.
So, my heart is overflowing with praise for my Love... "O for a thousand tongues to sing my Redeemer's praise"
Here's the song my heart is crying out....

I want to burn for You
I want to burn for You
I want to burn for You
So nothing can contain me.
I want to burn for You
I want to burn for You
I want to burn for You
So the Earth will see Your glory.

Crimson to white... to Streets of Gold.

2008-08-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

I hear the Savior say,
"Thy strength indeed is small.
Child of weakness, watch and pray.
Find in me thine all in all."
And now indeed I find
Thy pow'r and Thine alone
Can change the leper's spots
And melt the heart of stone.
And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete
"Jesus died my soul to save!"
My lips shall still repeat:

Jesus paid it all!
All to Him I owe.
Sin had left a crimson stain;
He washed it white as snow.

Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson, perpetual tide.
Kneel down on the shore,
Be thirsty no more.
Go under and be purified.
Follow Christ to the holy mountain,
Sinner sorry and wrecked by the Fall.
Cleanse your heart and soul
In the fountain that flows
For you and for me and for all.
On the hillside, you will be delivered
At the foot of the cross justified
And your spirit restored
By the river that poured
From our blessed Savior's side

At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night, you and me
Were atoned by His blood
And forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night

Refreshment

2008-08-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes miracles happen in small moments.
A heart starts beating,
Eyes open,
Rain drops fall.
I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good.
He's stilled my anxious mind,
Pulsed my numb heart.
Step by step He reminds me of
His unfailing love,
Neverending, unchanging, unadulterated;
Reckless abandon and fearless love.
He's not afraid of hurt,
So He keeps on loving unconditionally.
He's quietly and slowly filled me,
I've begun to overflow.
He lit a spark, and keeps piling on the firewood.
The small flame grows day by day.
Love beckons me day and night;
My delight is being found in Him.
I want to be like I once was,
But He'll take me to new places,
Over hills and down to the depths,
New frontiers to be chartered and explored.
Praise the Lord for His refreshing love!
Praise Him for a renewed spirit!
Praise Him for the rocky road to redemption.

Never let me go

2008-06-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

I usually don’t do this, but I felt I needed to respond to the teachings God brought before me today by just writing it all out. So, I’m sorry if this is repetitive for some of you who went to the Crave service tonight, but I just had to do it.
The speaker tonight was on the subject of the warning signs of drifting away from God, in a passage in Hebrews. Let’s just say, I got the Jesus 2x4 tonight for the first time in a long time. The speaker asked us to think back to the best time we can think of in our walks with Jesus so far, a specific place in time when we were so on fire for Him that nothing could bring us away from that spiritual mountain top. Then he made us think of the people that surrounded us at that time, and the way we devoted our time to God and His will, and the other things we filled our date books with. What changed? When did we start descending the mountain?
I’m not saying that mountaintop experiences should be commonplace for everyday living, because I know as you should that most of our Christian lives are filled with the struggle of merging the two worlds we are a part of. But what was it that made me lose focus and start drifting. The speaker said that the Greek word used for drifting in the passage was also used for the ship captains bringing their ships to shore that didn’t pay attention and began drifting in the opposite direction, therefore losing time, money, and purpose. It’s incredible how you can look away for just a second and end up a thousand miles away from where you thought you were headed. It happened to me.
When I thought about the peak moment of my Christian life so far, I had to think of this moment on my mission trip to Chicago with SEMP my sophomore summer of high school. I was in the last worship service of the week, with thousands of others around, when I had this moment with God where I knew with all my heart, and I truly believed that He completes me above all else. Nothing else can fill the whole in my heart. I had already become a believer, but it was in that moment that I fell completely in love with Him.
I’m not in any way blaming anyone else in my past for causing me to drift from my Lord, and I do apologize for any lies, misgivings, or hypocrisies that I have said or given in the past in this area, even to my closest friends. But I think once I started dating my ex-boyfriend I became unfocused. I said I was focused, and I did things a focused person would do, but I let those things get in the way of what really should have been the heart of it all. I let my work for the kingdom get in the way of the King’s ruling my heart. I volunteered, worked, counseled, encouraged, etc, all without what should have been behind it.
And now I find myself after years of being so lost and not knowing where I was going, blind to any direction, still unsure.
It’s not that I am doing anything out of the ordinary or out of line with what the rest of the world would want from me, but I am just searching helplessly for security, something to hold me down and point me in the right direction, something to guide me and hold my hand through the storms in the sea of everyday life. And tonight I was blessed with a reminder.
“God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure…” Hebrews 6:18-19a
I have to get back to being that high school girl, afire with an anchored flame that gives me wings to soar for Him. He never lets go of me, even though I let go of Him so very often. Everytime I sing these lyrics, I fall more in love with Him:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm.
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low.
Oh no, You never let go.
Lord, you never let go of me!

Lord,
Help me to do whatever I do all in Your name, only in line with Your will. Please point me in the right direction and help me to stay on track. God, you know I’m as flawed as it gets, but remind me and help me to be more than just useless. You made me with a purpose, and I can’t wait to figure out what that is, but for now, I want to take one moment at a time, living with Your perfect will in mind. Lord, I can’t believe You’ve never let go of me. It’s too amazing to me. Thank You for bringing me back to my first Love. I want to fall only more and more in love with You as each day goes by, so help me to stay the course. Lord, I love you. Thank You, Father. Amen.

Change me, Lord

2008-04-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

As I sit back and think about my daily life, I'm realizing how boring it's all become. I have no adventure anymore, it seems. There's no thrill, no fun. Hmmm...

The most recent change with me is my new job as a receptionist at a local hair salon, which is pretty boring so far. No joke. However, it is only my third day on the job tomorrow... so we'll see what happens.
I mostly hang out with my grandma, and my extended relatives, all of whom are over the age of 60. So, you can imagine what that's like. Although I must say, I have fallen out of my chair laughing with them on multiple occasions. :o) Our twice weekly domino games have become highlights in my week.
Then there's the most fun thing I have going, which is my involvement in Summergrove Baptist's middle school youth group, which is a real blessing for me. These girls are amazing, and they make my week every time I get to be with them. A couple have already opened up big time, and it's really just incredible to see what God's doing through the young people these days. Courage is in the meek.

But outside of that, I'm wondering why my life turned out this way. Not the whole moving here thing, but why I'm in this particular situation. I've always pictured myself working at a church ministry as an intern doing the Lord's work and serving Him alongside new people in my life. And I've seen myself as having more friends than the 2 I sparingly see, getting to know them, going out on the town, being crazy, you know. I'm also wondering whether I should have gotten so involved in a ministry so quickly without figuring out the church it's in first. I don't really get much out of the services there, and I can't be involved in the young singles group because of schedule conflicts with the youth group's stuff. So, I'm doing what I can with the youth group on Sunday morning and Wednesday night, but am not really fellowshipping with people my own age at all. And I really miss my home church and everyone there. I REALLY miss it.

So, I'm just crying out for some ADVENTURE here, Lord! I need to find that sweet spot! I want to be off the fence and into the game. What should I do, God? What do I need to change about myself in order to enjoy my life more? You alone can change me....

Landfills to Molehills

2008-04-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

You know, I've been wondering lately... when are you too old to be a kid? I know the whole young at heart thing is true for everyone, but when does one get to be too old to wear converse... or wear pigtails... or just tshirts and jeans with holes everywhere???
When are you too old to act like you did in high school... do stupid things for stupid reasons and get into too much trouble???
When are you too old to be telling stupid jokes... acting silly around boys... staying up too late for no apparent reason???

I say all this because I've noticed something about myself... I try to act crazy and cool, but at the same time I'm trying to grow up too fast... or atleast that's what it feels like to me. I don't really know what it should be like to be nineteen, and I'm about to be twenty in July. Life is going by too fast for my comfort.
I long for the days when I could be irresponsibly crazy and just go for a ride on my bike whenever I felt like it. I miss the days when the only thing I wanted was a brand new toy advertised on TV, and not some money to pay off a traffic ticket. I want to be back in the day when Pogs were awesome and I got to play cops and robbers with my brother and neighbor all afternoon when my parents weren't home.
I feel like I'm missing out on a huge chunk of teenager-hood. Like I should be out with my friends all night, driving downtown, seeing movies and chilling at cafes with the people I really love.

But instead I'm worrying about financial crap, when this job is really going to kick in, when I will EVER have time to sleep without feeling guilty for losing hours of the day, where and when I will meet some good friends to hang out with and talk to around here. I'm worrying about what I'm going to wear tomorrow, how I'm going to appear to people, when this little stomach bulge is ever going to go away. I get on my own back about working out, getting in shape, becoming more outwardly beautiful. Then I realize....

Jesus is bigger than that. No matter how many things I pile up in front of myself, continually blocking out the goal of a successful life I have on my horizon, He is bigger than all of it. He can take care of all my worries and fears without even breaking a sweat. And what makes it all even better... He WANTS to. He LONGS to. It's a HUGE desire of His to take all my burdens and place them on His own shoulders, so that I might be able to put him in front of my pile of junk and solely focus on Him, how much He loves me, and how much I should be loving Him, instead of the crap I've loaded myself with everyday. It's like as I'm throwing more and more heavy worry and doubt and fear on my already heaping landfill of sin, He just steps in front of me, grabs my shovel, throws it aside and embraces me with His everlastingly comforting arms, as I nestle my head on His chest and breath in a deep peace that can only come from that kind of blessed assurance. When my head is snug there under His wing, I can't see my problems. I can no longer think on my worries. They are all there, but He comes between me and them. He won't let me pile on more if I just rest in Him and focus on His love. I'm not picking up the shovel if I'm in that embrace.
Praise Jesus. He never lets me go.

Selfish to a fault

2008-04-06T20:35:00.000-07:00

It seems as if we're drifting apart, and I really don't think its my fault this time. I know, in the most humble of ways, that I can be selfless to a fault, and that I should take care of myself before others sometimes, but I feel like you're taking that kind of selfishness to a different level. I know you have enough time to listen to the smallest of details when you decide you have the time, but you never make it anymore. You don't make the effort, when you know I will drop everything and get there as soon as I can if you needed me. And it's not like I'm terribly lonely over here; I just miss you a lot. You're one of my few best friends, and I never ever hear from you. I understand that you are really busy, but if you have time to be driving to work, or driving to Wylie, or just hanging out doing nothing with Kristen, then you have time to be on the phone with me. It's just frustrating because I've heard you vent about other friends treating you exactly like this over and over again, and you know I'm one you can talk to because I never do that to you, or atleast I try my best. But it's like it's a blindness you have when your conveniences get taken away when you decide to be selfish. Now, don't get me wrong. You aren't this way at all most of the time... but when you make the conscious decision to put yourself first above someone else, it becomes a habit you can't control. It's MUCH easier serving yourself before others, otherwise it wouldn't be a sin to be conceited. And it's not a bad thing to make sure you are taken care of so that you can take care of others better. But as the other person, I feel left out in the cold. I haven't really gotten to talk to you in weeks. It just feels lonely. So, yeah. Do what you want with this, but just look at yourself first and figure out if you're taken care of yet. If you need more pampering, go for it. But seriously, I'm still here. I'm still in it. Don't think you've lost me because I'm never lost to you.
You know my number.

Lyrics that sing my heart

2008-03-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

We who are called to be your people
Struggling sinners and thieves
We’re lifted up from the ashes
And out came the song of the redeemed
The song of the redeemed

Can You hear the sound of melodies
Oh the sound of melodies
Rising up to You
Rising up to You God
The sound of melodies
Oh the sound of melodies
Rising up to You
Rising up to You God

We have caught a revalation
That nothing can separate us from
The love we received through salvation
It fills your daughters and sons
Your daughters and Your sons

The sound of Your love
The sound of Your love
Is what You're hearing
The sound of Your sons
The sound of Your sons
You’ve won Your children

The sound of your love
The sound of your love
Is what You're hearing
Your daughters in love
Your daughters in love
You've won your children

The sound of melodies
Oh the sound of melodies
Rising up to You
Rising up to You God
Rising up to You God

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

2008-03-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

You know, I just don't know what to think about friendships anymore. I feel really weird about everything in that area because of everything that's happened lately.

I don't hear from anyone in Dallas anymore, aside from Josh, and it's really making me sad, since I know they never really see each other anymore. If I were to go back there, we would never hang out and if we did, it would be really awkward and all the conversation that night would be filled with drama. That's the last thing I want to happen. Yet I miss how it was last year when we all hung out all the time and had such good stuff going on. I miss all of them over there. And I never hear about what's happening in their lives. Sad.
Then I went on this ski trip with SummerGrove Baptist Church's youth group this past week, and I think I made a new guy friend, along with a few middle school girls I now love, and I'm just thinking that if I get involved in their 20s and 30s group at that church, I might meet more people to spend time with. However, I'm not sure I agree with some things at that church, so I think I need to start attending another church I know I agree with on Sunday mornings. But then I'm not sure I'm going to find that kind of fellowship. Crazy, I know. But it's okay. I'll be praying about it.

In wrapping up, I know I wouldn't be happy if I were still in Dallas, though I really miss IBC, like all the time. However, there's so much potential for happiness here with new friends, but I just don't know where or how I'm going to find them. And I'm convinced God isn't going to just send them to my front door saying, "Hi, my name is... and I would love to be your new best friend."

I just needed to put all that out there into the void. If you have comments, they would be appreciated, but not required. :o)

Stream of Consciousness

2008-03-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

I feel free now.

I don't feel like going to Dallas anytime soon...
I don't really know why.

I miss my sister.
And my dog.

Green is a very prevalent color in my life. It's my default.

I get to go dress shopping tomorrow or sometime this week, and I feel like a princess when I do... so yay.

I love my dog, but I don't like it when she pisses me off. She's a puppy, so I need to get over it. She will all too soon be too old to care about anything.

I wrangled a calf today. Well, almost. I went to do just that, and then it started running too fast for me, and I fell in the mud. Then I felt like I was having a deja vu with something my dad would have done when he was younger... retro pants, shoes, and all. Needless to say, I never caught the calf. But I DID get a workout.

I have too much time and not enough friends who do also.

I do not have romantic feelings for anyone right now, though I do believe some do for me, and I really have no inclination to do anything about that part of my life for what sadly seems like a really long while ahead. I just need to focus on friendships right now and finding a church to plug into.

I've really let my relationship with Jesus go to pot these past few weeks, and it really sucks. I just begin to fall in love with Him all over again everytime I think about His CONSTANT love for me that will never pale. Praise Jesus. Draw me closer, Lord.

A LOT of hard feelings that have been burdening me for awhile now have come to closures tonight... and I'm pretty sure that a few new dramas are about to unfold just because these are over. So, wow.

Have I ever told you how much I HATE drama?

Jesus loves you, too, by the way.

I want to stop procrastinating SO much about little things... but right now, all I want to do all day tomorrow is lay in my bed with the fan on too high and watch my favorite movies and TV shows while getting random friendly text messages from people I miss.

Even though a friendship has hit a new place tonight, I have a sinking feeling that I won't hear from them again for a really long time. That's just the way he is sometimes, and I'm not a priority, so I understand. But it still sucks a little.

I feel very lime green, but I am getting sick of green, so I really want to be yellow, but I'm still lime green.

Do I make any sense?

I still want to be a professional singer, but I'm very sure I would never make it to being the next American Idol. Anyone wanna be in my newfound band? Maybe I should go get voice lessons again. I do miss them.

I should BE Kelly Clarkson right now.

I heart my sweatpants... and I can't wait to get my laundry done tomorrow and see what pants fit me and what pants are too big for me now. BTW... I've lost like 15 pounds... but celebrating that has probably made me gain it all back.

I still want to go out and buy some "goal" jeans. Like, that size I want to eventually fit into, and have a secure measurement of where I am on my journey to my ideal fit.

I am making a goal to work out three times a week. Thanks to that calf, I'm one-third of the way there this week. PRAY for me.

I really want this one pair of shoes, but I can't afford them.

I need a job in the worst way. Maybe I'll make friends there.

In my mind, in order to reach my ideal body image, I should probably go tanning, cut my hair (which should happen anyways), get my eyebrows and upper lip waxed, get a pedicure, grow my nails out, and stop breaking out all over my face.

Maybe I should just drink even more water than I already do.

All of this is truly running through my mind at the moment, and the best part is... Jesus loves me anyways.

The End of My World

2008-03-05T20:43:00.000-08:00

I had the weirdest dream last night... President Bush and the President of Iran had gotten into a Bay of Pigs situation, and it was closing in on the "little red button" moment as I tried to figure out the best way to survive the situation, not knowing where exactly the bombs were aimed. Hundreds of lives laid in my hands since I was the only one with the knowledge of the life-or-death situation, and I had no idea what to do.... Needless to say, I woke up before ever dying, but I clearly remember getting all my feelings heard (and physically felt) about this one person in my life who really needs to hear what I have to say to him, though it may never get through his thick head.
But that's beside the point. I'm in the midst of planning this party for one of my best friends' birthday, and I'm realizing how addicted I am to stress. I've planned too many surprises to count in the past three weeks, all of which put some sort of stress on me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I get really bored when I don't have something to plan, control, or manage. As laidback a person I think I am, I am utterly dependent upon stress to get me through the day. I'm uptight, and I hate being uptight.
Now, as you can tell, I have some serious control issues. And I find myself not trusting others with responsibilities that I feel would be done better if I did it myself. I've been burned in that way so many times before, it's too hard to count, and I've been that unreliable person many times in the past as well, so it's really hard for me to let go. It's really taken a toll on my spiritual walk with Jesus, since I have such a hard time letting go and letting Him take care of me.
There are so many obstacles that I feel would come in the way of me being completely free in Him. And they seem so very intimidating, though I know that letting Him take care of them would make them show themselves as small in comparison. I'm very fluent in giving advice and encouraging others in that way, but it's so much easier said than done. So, here I am... apologizing to all those to whom I have given that advice so flippantly. I don't blame you for not taking my words and doing anything with them, because I can tell you right now, I can't even motivate myself to do it.

So, I have noticed that whilst trying to control my life and the lives of others, I've lost control somewhere along the way. I'm not really sure what happened, but I'm almost going crazy. So, I would really appreciate your prayers and encouragements.... Thanks, friends, for reading and caring.
Let me know, too, how I might be praying for you! I hope your lives are awesome!

Limericks of the Wee Small Hours

2008-03-01T21:11:00.000-08:00

1)
It's become a new kind of trend
One I hope will have a happy end
You play with her heart
And you tear it apart
And soon you'll be out of a friend.

2)
You like to think you are the best,
But if you look at all of the rest,
You'll all too soon see
That they just might be
Sick of your old, tired mess.

3)
You can be the best of the sweet,
But sometimes I think I might meet
Another one soon
Who would pull down the moon
To be there no matter the heat.

4)
You have turned out to be oh so blind,
Though you think you have all kinds of mind
To watch after him,
Though you can't change the wind,
And the end I'm so scared to find.

5)
You are way too young to be so worried
About making the future so hurried.
He's not in the same place
And there's not enough space
To keep all the flurry from hurting.

Life is so full of these feelings
That I can't stop from hitting the ceilings
So I stopped to write
I hope not contrite
That which leaves my mind always reeling.

My Celebrity Family

2008-02-29T13:17:00.000-08:00

Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family... but I had this dream that I had a family full of celebrities... It was awesome to say the least.

Grandma~ Julie Andrews
Other Grandma~ Carol Burnett
Mom~ Reba McEntire
Big Brother~ Johnny Depp
Big Sister~ Emma Thompson
Big Brother~ Gary Oldman
Little Sister~ Kelly Clarkson

:o)
Who is in yours?!?

2008-02-21T20:05:00.000-08:00

Take a look at the mountain
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to me
And I want you to know
I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

Shine for me
Shine for me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for me

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more

(the perfect Valentine)

Fairytale

2008-02-21T20:02:00.000-08:00

Cinderella's on her bedroom floor
She's got a
Crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore
And she forgets why she came here
Sleeping Beauty's in a foul mood
For shame she says
None for you dear prince, i'm tired today
I'd rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming

Cause i don't care for you fairytales
You're so worried bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

Snow White is doing dishes again cause
What else can you do
With seven itty-bitty men?
Sends them to bed and calls up a friend
Says will you meet me at midnight?
The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says
Would have cut it myself if i knew men could climb hair
I'll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows

Cause i don't care for you fairytales
You're so worried bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom
Man made up a story said that i should believe him
Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight
But i don't want the next best thing
So i sing and hold my head down and i break these walls round me
Can't take no more of your fairytale love

Cause i don't care for you fairytales
You're so worried bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing
I don't care
I don't care
Worry bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting
Spent the whole life being graded on the sanctity of patience and a dumb appreciation
But the story needs some mending and a better happy ending
Cause i don't want the next best thing
No no i don't want the next best thing

(my present love philosophy)

You're Gonna Be

2008-02-21T19:41:00.000-08:00

6lbs and 9oz. lookin' up at me
Like I have all the answers
I hope I have the ones you need
I've never really done this, now I know what scared is

Sometimes I'll protect you from everything that's wrong
Other times I'll let you just find out on your own
But that's when you'll be growin',
And the whole time I'll be knowin

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be

I'm afraid you'll have to suffer through
some of my mistakes
Lord knows I'll be trying to give you what it takes
What it takes to know the difference
Between getting by and livin'

‘Cause anything worth doing is worth doing all the way
Just know you'll have to live with all
the choices that you make
So make sure you're always givin' way
more than you're takin'

Someone's everything
You're gonna see
Just what you are to me

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be
Always loved by me

~ Reba McEntire

(I miss my mom.)

Jessica on DETOX?!?! What is the world coming to???

2008-01-30T18:00:00.000-08:00

Jessica: loves red meat, bread, fried things, potato chips, chocolate, milk, cheese, eggs, some fruits, some veggies, cokes, and is basically against all things healthy when it comes to food.... I say if you're going to eat it, you'd better enjoy it. :o)

Well, that Jessica is gone. Let me explain....

I've been reading this book called "Skinny Bitch" (forgive the title), and it's really inspired me to be looking at the things I eat and really take into account what goes into making those things, and what could happen to my body if I continue to eat them. Well, my friend, let me tell you... it wouldn't be pretty. I'm also taking a consumer nutrition course at school, so I'm thinking, maybe God's trying to tell me something. :o) And, of course, I don't want to die at age 42 with a weight problem because I didn't try to alter my diet for the better. :o)

Also, I'm going through some spiritual renewal in my walk with God, and it's becoming such a great growth, that I feel the need to use a catharsis to express physically what is going on in my heart. And I'm definitely not glorifying God with my eating habits at the present time, so that's another reason why I feel it's important that I do this. :o)

So, I'm eating all the food I just bought at the grocery store that wouldn't fit into this new diet, so that at least by Ash Wednesday I will be able to start completely over. I want to do a detox program first, to clean out what's already there, so I'm researching good programs to use and how much they cost and such. And I'll be using the Lent season to do the detox.... and if needed, more time than that. :o) Then I'm going to go green. "Organic", "soy", "whole grain", and "vegan" will be words I use often. And not just to describe someone else's diet... :o) Also, I will begin working out on a regular basis (Lord knows there's a lot of land to be run on here).

Thusly, I would LOVE it if you would please pray for me as I start off on this new trail filled with healthiness. I'm going to be weaning myself off the foods that can be eliminated this early in the game, and that includes cokes. That alone is a really serious prayer request. :o) This is going to be tough to fight temptation on, especially with my grandma's homemade cooking seeping into my oh so yearning nostrils. So, yes, please pray. And if you have any suggestions on good organic/vegan foods I can look into (keeping in mind my grocery choices are limited to Albertson's, WalMart, and Target here), I would LOVE some suggestions. Luckily, there is a health food store not five minutes from my house. So YAY!

God is good. And so are veggies. :o)

PS~ I miss every last one of you.

The Art of Living

2008-01-03T22:28:00.003-08:00

I need more words
To describe my feelings
I need you to be here
To hold me and say it’s alright
The future is now
And I’m scared of growing
And getting too sure of
Where the character is going.
I’m not so sure of tomorrow
Or what it might bring
Because making something of worth
Is the art of living.
You’ve planted the seed
That I can look back on later
And laugh through the tears
Seeing the beauty that fate will cater.
The style of living
Isn’t the skill of each stroke of the brush
But what the picture means
When you step back and can’t touch.
I’m afraid of what I can’t do
And what I will do with what I can.
My flaws outnumber my gifts
And I wonder about the plan
That you might have for me
And what it includes
Because I’m more afraid
Of what the story exudes.
The tale is already written
And nothing can be erased.
So is it comedy or tragedy?
What ending will be placed?
How many chapters are there?
And will I fall in love?
The book is too high on the shelf.
Too many lofty thoughts from above.
Why can’t you tell me
What will happen tomorrow
And how to avoid
Any hurt, pain, or sorrow?
Will I ever find my delight
In the things I’m given by you?
Or will I just throw away
The masterpiece written so true?

Love doesn't have to be romance

2008-01-03T22:28:00.001-08:00

Everywhere I go
You are there, and know
When I want to walk away
Part of me always wants to stay
When I get a hug from you
My grey skies turn the brightest blue
No matter what I feel
This photo in my mind won’t peel.
The image of you and me talking
Or just on the sidewalk walking
Just doing life together
And the rest is just whatever
Because we can be there for anything
And it will never be just a fling
Because we are in it for good
Whether friends or more, we would
Just be there no matter what
I can feel it in my deepest gut
Our shoulders are there to be cried on
And our laughs are what we can rely on
To make the days worthwhile
And to always make us smile
No matter what, I know you’ll pray
And if I need you, you will stay
Love doesn’t have to be romance
Because all of life is a dance
Love is always going to be there
And it follows me everywhere.

Mo' Smiles

2008-01-02T19:56:00.001-08:00

i just realized how many "poor pitiful me" posts i've put up lately....

so this one is happy.

HAPPY!
:o)

JOY!
:o)

But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.
Psalm 68:3

7 steps to sanity

2008-01-01T23:54:00.000-08:00

I've been figuring out a bunch of stuff about myself lately... and I've decided that it goes in a cycle. Or atleast there are a few steps to my intellect and the reasons behind why I'm so crazy/insane with emotions all the time. :o) I just like formulating all these analyzations of my mind and heart, because 1) it gives me something to think about and 2) I can finally figure out why I do the things I do and feel the ways I feel. I might need to change my major to psychology. :o)

1. I feel like I need a boyfriend to take care of me.... Or, better yet, I want a boyfriend so that I will have someone to take care of me.
2. That is because I have lost some footing on God taking care of me and being the only One I need. Ever.
3. This is because it's a daily struggle for me to keep a quiet time "date" with God on a daily basis, and sometimes I really don't keep my "dates" with Him for days at a time. I know everyone struggles with this at some point, but it frustrates me.
4. Thus, I am frustrated with myself, and therefore (since I'm not in the Word) focus on my physical and emotional flaws and question why I don't actually have a boyfriend, and therefore end up tearing my self-esteem to shreds.
5. Then, I get analytical and kind of depressed and write blogs about my insanity.
6. I then realize that the time and effort spent on writing said blogs could have been better used in praying and reading the Word, which would get me back on my God-dependent feet, walking confidently in Him, where I can actually give some honest and hopefully spiritually helpful and encouraging opinions/advice to people who may come talk to me about their problems.
7. This once again leads me to wanting a boyfriend to talk to about my problems. That is, outside of praying about them. :o) And that makes me feel lonely, which leads me back to step one.

The irony behind all of this is that, I know how to stop the train.... I just somehow don't. And this all usually happens about once a month. So, please don't think that it's everyday. :o)

I just realized tonight that I want someone to come and tuck me into bed, who loves me for all my insanity and more, and still wants to be around to give me a hug when the cycle starts all over again. But for now, I need to get back to sole-dependence on God and trying to glorify Him in all that I do. That makes Him more attractive, which leads to His light shining through me. And the one who has the Lord always on the brain can never call themselves lonely.

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."~ Jesus.

Happiness is...

2007-12-27T14:49:00.000-08:00

It's incredible the paths you find yourself taking when you just give Jesus the lead. It's been awhile, I know, since I've last posted, but I thought I would catch you up on what's going on. (Even though I'm sure I'm the only one reading. Hahahah)

As I was saying, it's been a while since I've really given over to what God wants for me to do, and it's amazing seeing the way your life completely takes a different turn than you expect when you give it all over to Him. Now, I'm not saying that it was all just so easy for me to do, which is so true there should be another word for "true". Actually, it was more like a Jesus 2x4 hitting me over the head reminding me to look up instead of down so often. :o) I recently left my amazing job at IBC as an intern for many different reasons, one being that I just felt like I could be used more effectively by Him in other ways in ministry, and it took so long for me to get it that God made it happen of His own accord. I've really loved working there, and greatly encourage anyone looking for a ministry position to start looking there. I cannot put into words the amazing opportunities, support, friendships, and insights into the Church as a whole that have come from being there for almost 2 years. I just count myself blessed to have been a part of it, and it took ALL of me not to cry on Sunday, which was my last day. But I can't say I didn't cry the entire way home that night. I can't imagine what life's going to be like without being on staff there, but I know that it holds much more than I can even glimpse right now. I can't WAIT to get back to being in direct relationships with the kids themselves while I volunteer on Sundays, which is going to be INCREDIBLE! I also am not going to be employed, outside of babysitting and housesitting, in the Spring, which will definitely be a change since I haven't not had a job since high school. It'll be a change, but I'll be able to focus on school, investing in relationships there, and becoming more disciplined and diligent in glorifying God in the mundane things of life. And that means learning the little things that will help with the big things that God has planned for the future. For the longest time I've been struggling with whether or not I'm being used for any good in the Kingdom at all, and why God hasn't sent me anywhere to do anything of what I would deem as important. I've been doubting my faith in Him, my spiritual worth in His eyes, and whether or not I really amount to anything for what seems like forever. The only answer I've ever really gotten from Him is that I need to prove myself faithful in the tasks He has presented to me in the day-to-day stuff, like classes, quiet times, prayer times, studying, and finances, before I will be used in the ways I've always imagined (like going to the mission field, leading a ministry, writing for a ministry, etc.) Because in any situation, I need to always think of glorifying Him with all I can be, do, or say, I need to practice the stuff that will follow me the rest of my life before I try to take on something even bigger that will only add to the stress of it all. So, really, this whole change is freeing me of lots of responsibility, so that I can focus solely on the responsibilities that God asks of me, which have been left unfinished for so long. PRAISE JESUS!

I just pray that God will use me in the ways that He wills. And that I will be willing to give up whatever I need to in order to be a tool for Him. Life is changing, AMEN.

Headlights and Lighthouses

2007-11-26T22:46:00.001-08:00

I see lights in the distance
Shining with hope
Glowing with comfort.

Are they headlights or lighthouses?
Coming to my rescue
Or calling me out?

They beckon out to me through the
Void of desparate darkness and black seas
Surrounding my every move.

Which one do I heed?
Stuck, alone, drifting away
But not progressing.
Do I move or do I stay?

I've been wondering for so long
In this same place
Not knowing which direction to row in,
Or whether I should or shouldn't.

I'm restless and lazy,
Passionate and apathetic,
Enthralled and tired.
Free and imprisoned.

There are so many voices
Telling me to choose.
But I don't even know where to begin
Asking the right questions.

Will picking up an oar and trying to row
Only discover an anchor
Keeping me in one place
Then hurt and alone?

But I feel the traces of warmth in the lights,
Wishing for something of the anti-ego,
Some other interactions outside of myself.
Will there be more use for me
Outside the circle of my indecision?
Or will there just be another group of

Headlights and lighthouses?

Tied together with a smile

2007-11-26T08:07:00.000-08:00

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, cause I know you...

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
You cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay
Not his price to pay.

I want to wake up in the city that never sleeps...

2007-11-23T17:56:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOODNESS, last weekend was probably the best one of my life... So, I'm going to try to express the warm feeling my heart is enchanted with everytime I think about those one way signs and skyscrapers. To preface this, I want you to know that I'm experiencing withdrawals, and might actually start crying because I'm not there right this second. So, on with the story:

My sister(Anna), two aunts(Riri and Aunt Gail), cousin(Laece) and I went to NYC because we three girls combined our birthday gifts in order to go see Wicked and have a fun weekend. So, needless to say, we were anxious to get there. :o)
We left on Friday night and actually arrived at LaGuardia airport in Queens at 1 AM on Saturday morning. A baggage claim, taxi ride, and hotel settlement later, it was 3 AM and we were starving. So, we went out in search of food. And oh my goodness, my very favorite part of New York is that it doesn't sleep and you can find any quality of food at anytime in the day or night... it knows me through and through. :o) We found food at this awesome deli and finally got back to the Hilton off 6th at 4 to go to sleep. That was Friday (and part of Saturday)

Saturday morning we walked about 10 blocks to an open market (full of fake everything, tshirts, etc.) which was on our way to our Downtown bus tour. We actually got to stop at a wax museum to get our tickets and saw statues of Whoopi Goldberg and Samuel L. Jackson in the lobby, which was really fun. We then got on the tour bus and went all over downtown (including Greenwich Village (my future home), Soho, Chinatown, Little Italy, the Financial district, the Fashion district, the Fulton Fish Market, etc.) stopping in Chinatown and Little Italy for some exploring, shopping, and sightseeing, including getting lost and finding our way back. :o) We ate at a little bistro in Little Italy called Positano's, which was amazing, and finally got back to the bus to finish the tour. Later on, instead of seeing Wicked on broadway, because of the stagehand strike (go stagehands!), we went to the Empire State Building and got to see the city at night when it's really alive. It was so beautiful!

On Sunday we got up early to go to our Uptown tour after grabbing some delicious off-the-street croissants, and on the way we got to walk up 5th avenue... we saw Trump Tower, St. Patrick's Cathedral, the Plaza Hotel, and many designer stores I couldn't believe I was even near them! We got on the bus, which took us from one end of Central Park through the West Side, up through Columbia University, into Harlem, across the tracks, and back through the East Side. It was all so gorgeous! For lunch we had Ray's Pizza (definitely not the original) and world famous cheesecake at Lindy's Restaurant, which was definitely delicious. And I MIGHT have gotten my first real cup of coffee at Lindy's to go with the cheesecake.. no, I still don't like coffee. :o) Later that afternoon, Riri, Anna and I went to see the NBC Studio Tour, where we got to see the sets of the Conan O'Brien show, Saturday Night Live (definitely my favorite), and Anna got to be a weather girl in the simulated news studio they had for us. Needless to say, it was hilarious. :o) We ended up meeting up with Laece and Aunt Gail for dinner at the Tang Pavilion chinese restaurant for some amazing dinner, and went to the hotel for a great night's sleep before an early start the next day.

Monday morning after I gave my heart away to the New York bagel and cream cheese, we got to go on a Circle Line Cruise tour around the island, which brought us by the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island and the Brooklyn, Manhattan, and Williamsburg bridges. Our tour guide was a kook, but it was a great tour all the same. :o) After the tour we got to eat lunch at the Stardust diner, which is a great little place where the servers all sing while you eat, trying to pick up a job on broadway, of course. It was really fun and so hard to leave, because after that we had to go back to the hotel to get our luggage ready for take-off. :o( However, Anna and I got some time to ourselves so we could go to Times Square to get some last minute souvenirs, bagels for the flight (of course), and some really artsy pictures.

Then we left, and I haven't been the same since... I've fully decided to live there someday, and for a good while, too. It's a magical city where the people don't care, every block is filled with more culture than fathomable, and no one ever sleeps. I love it through and through... no doubt about it. So that was our trip! Now you need to go see my pictures.... they're much better than reading this. :o)

NYC pictures are up!!!

2007-11-23T17:03:00.000-08:00

Hey guys... if you want to see my pictures of our trip to New York this past weekend, go to my photobucket:
http://s212.photobucket.com/albums/cc122/nyc5_2007/

And if that doesn't work, follow these steps:

1. Go to www.photobucket.com
2. In the search bar, put nyc5_2007
3. It will say there is no album for that search, but go to the user's page. That's my page.

**** THE SUB ALBUMS ARE WHERE THE PICS ARE. THEY ARE DIVIDED BY THE DAYS WE WERE THERE.*****

Have fun!
:o)

Ms. Cellophane

2007-11-08T08:33:00.000-08:00

Brian and Caleb have always been the best of friends, no matter what kind of trouble Brian always got in. Caleb was always there for him when he came back from it. They had this friend, Abby, that they didn't really know that well until that next year, when it all happened, and they ended up hanging out more often. They got to know each other as a threesome pretty well, mostly because Abby's friend, Rachel, was there, so Abby didn't feel so awkward with hanging out with two guys by herself. HA!
So this one night they stumble upon getting to know this girl named Emma, and she was really fun. Actually, she was probably the most fun one out of the group, which attracted the rest of them to hanging out with her. Abby ended up hanging out a lot more with her than the rest, mostly because she saw her more often and was a girl. :o) But Abby would go to Emma's house, spend the night, go to Emma's school to meet some of her newer friends there, and just make fun of Caleb and Brian, because it was hilarious.
Emma had this friend at school with whom she became very very close, to the point of no return, named Michelle. Abby met her one time during one of her stays at Emma's school, and thought she was awesome right from the start. The three of them started to become a little threesome of friends at some point, and it was really fun, but it always seemed to Abby to be a two-person show for her to be entertained by more than a three-person act. So, she enjoyed it for a while, and became good friends with the both of them. Needless to say, Caleb, Brian, Emma, Abby, Michelle, and Rachel were a team.
They watched movies together, went to dinner at their favorite restaurant almost every night some weeks, and basically did everything together as a group. It was heaven, especially for Abby, whose prayers had been answered for a group of friends who would spur each other on to glorifying God, living out His love, and encouraging one another, no matter what happened. Plenty of things happened, mind you, but I won't go into that. Somehow they all stuck together through thick and thin....

And then the Summer came. How it really happened is still a mystery to most, but Abby had some insight. Michelle had to go back home to Houston, and Emma began to stay at home more, since she had about 3 jobs to juggle through the week, and so let's just say they lost touch. Michelle would try to keep contact with Emma, but amidst such a heavy schedule and hanging out with old friends from home, she just never got the chance to call back most of the time. And when she did, it didn't last long enough to satisfy the longing of Michelle's heart for her best friend. She felt lost in the dust of the car gone by, looking at some brake lights and wanting them to brighten. So, Abby kept in touch with Michelle while she was at home in Houston, mostly because Abby understood the feeling of needing someone trusted to be there for her to talk through a lot of family drama that was going to keep Michelle in Houston for the upcoming year. And Abby did what she could to be that for her. Abby needed help, too, with some drama that came up between her and Brian, so Michelle got her through that. They would talk on the phone for hours, and would have to stop themselves just to keep from losing their cell phones for using too many minutes. They became pretty close over that Summer. It was amazing for Abby because that was another prayer answered: a best friend. I mean, she had best friends, but they were either far away at school, on mission trips, or just kind of out of touch.

Either way, Michelle and Abby became closer than ever over that season of life, and found themselves in that same place when Michelle's many prayers were answered with a way to live up in Dallas with all her friends and her home church, and they rejoiced together for God's amazing work in Michelle's life. Michelle moved up, she and Abby were reunited, and they were like peas and carrots. Caleb came alongside, and they were like a team. I mean they had hypothetical houses on the same hypothetical street and hypothetical kids growing up in their hypothetical wonderland of life-long friendship. It was going to be for good. When Abby moved away to school, some 40 miles away from her home, she knew it was going to be hard to be as active in Michelle's life as well as Caleb's. So, she made sure to let them know, through tears and fears, that she would never be too far away for anything: dinner with friends, hanging out after church, or even just talking. This was also more of a cry for involvement in her life, since she knew it would be hard for her to find friends at her new school. And they understood. At least she thought they did.

Some more drama (I know, it's ridiculous...) came up between Michelle and Caleb on one hand, and then more in the lives of Brian and Abby, which Michelle and Abby got through together, and ended up not even feeling remotely cool toward either of the boys respectively. Michelle would be okay without Caleb's friendship, since it really hurt her more than helped her at that point. And Abby felt that she needed to guard her heart more against Brian's lies and inconsistencies, so she would be more emotionally and spiritually reliant upon God and His good timing. So, neither girl would really want to hang out with their respective guy. And therefore, since both guys were involved at their home church, which they shared with the girls, the whole group just never really got to hang out anymore.
Michelle began hanging out with Emma again, and since they reconciled and because Michelle was feeling kind of homesick, she began staying with Emma at her home (a good 40 miles away from everyone else) and making some great friends in that area of town. She actually began dating an amazing guy from over there, and they hit it off right away. Caleb began working almost double-time to make up for what needed to be done for the fall, and was always really busy. Brian kind of disappeared from the whole scene, which was fine on Abby's part, but kept in contact with Caleb. Because of the distance of her home from the church, Emma pretty much stayed in her hometown, going to school and hanging out with friends.
So, needless to say, Abby had some limited contact with these friends, and only has a few new ones at school that she likes hanging out with. She missed them a lot and still does, only getting to talk to them and hang out with them when they are all separated, making it harder to see them at all. She wishes that they could all hang out together some time and just catch up and relive old times, but doesn't see it happening in the near future, even though it would be a real encouragement. She is beginning to feel like no one really cares that much about her enough to let her be there for them physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She longs to hear all the good and maybe not so good that's happening in their lives, and would love to hang out and catch up, even though it doesn't seem like it's reciprocated. She could be completely over-dramatizing it all in her head, but she's just laying her cards out on the table. And It looks like a losing hand.

Mr. Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane
Should'a been my name, Mr. Cellophane
Cuz you can look right through me,
Walk right by me,
And never know I'm there.

Update: in case you wanted to know

2007-10-25T22:14:00.000-07:00

~I am nasal and getting sicker by the moment.
~I am watching the Daily Show, the Colbert Report, and the Office religiously.
~I now have Christmas lights in my dorm, and am so excited about the holiday season coming upon us.
~I am saving money for the James Taylor Christmas album, and would love to receive it as a gift... preferably before Christmas for the purpose of full enjoyment of said music.
~I have a new love for scarfs, especially one handmade by a friend especially for me.
~My Ipod's screen is broken, and it sucks.
~At this point in the posting, I now have a sore throat.
~I'm ready for a new relationship. But I'm doing okay without one for now. Day by day falling more in love with Jesus.
~I now love dark chocolate more than milk chocolate.
~I miss people.
~I want to go to Africa TOMORROW.
~I am going to New York for the first time in 8 years in a couple of weeks, and I'm SOOOO EXCITED!
~My grandma, with whom I am really close, recently had surgery on an aortic aneurism, and is now doing fine... Praise the Lord!
~I use this blog for writing about myself and what's going on with my life and my thoughts on it, because I don't like to burden others with a lot of self-centered talk about my emotions when they don't ask for it... so, if you're reading, get used to it! Lol...
~I love every single one of you.

Now the Nyquil is taking its toll... I'll probably have a good dream story tomorrow morning... or afternoon. :o)

2007-10-17T22:06:00.000-07:00

You Are Cookie Monster

Misunderstood as a primal monster, you're a true hedonist with a huge sweet tooth.

You are usually feeling: Hungry. Cookies are preferred, but you'll eat anything if cookies aren't around.

You are famous for: Your slightly crazy eyes and usual way of speaking

How you life your life: In the moment. "Me want COOKIE!"

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

Where I'm at on guys... advice appreciated

2007-10-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

So. Guys.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the amount of seriousness I really put on my relationships with guys. And I'm thinking that I'm way too serious about it. I think it may be because I've been so hurt before, and I just don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt or bruised or damaged, mine or the guy's. I think about things like that way too much, and I want to be better at just having fun with someone, and not getting so wrapped up in the future of it all, or where it's all headed, or whether I'm making a mistake or not. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." But how heavily guarded am I? Is it a bad level of security, to where I am so closed off no one could ever get behind the wall, unless they are perfect in every way? Or is it a good level of security, where the guy needs to be perfect, because anything else would be settling?

I want my next relationship to be able to move toward marriage, if it lasts that long and gets that serious, but I don't want to be closed off to whatever is right in front of me because the person isn't perfect. I want to know the guy well enough as a friend to where I can trust him to be a good boyfriend, and I want to like him in that way before I say yes to dating him. But that isn't the way it always works for everyone. Why can't I just say yes to a date without any fear of the future or whether I like him or not, or whether he's a good friend or not? (IMPORTANT POINT: nothing has come up like this at all... just a wonderment.) I've only kissed one guy, only said "I love you" to one guy, only been in one relationship, only been in a long term relationship (2 years), and it was amazing. But in the end, he didn't even like me that much anymore. It wasn't fun anymore. It didn't neccessarily start off in a really daring and fun way either. It was good... don't get me wrong, and he was and still is an amazing guy, but he wasn't right for me.

I need someone who will bring out the outgoing, fun, bright side of me, and at the same time, be there to be mellow, comforting, compassionate, and serious when he needs to be. I want a best friend in the guy, who will know me and love me for who I am; someone I won't be afraid to tell my secrets to, because I can trust his secrecy. I want someone who challenges me spiritually and not physically; someone who won't push the limits, but will be honorable and admirable. And most of all, I want someone who will always love God more than he loves me. Otherwise, it won't work. And he needs to be someone who wants the same from me. Here's some more list items:
~can take a joke and laugh at it
~can handle sarcasm, and puts it out there, too
~would go to the mission field if God told him to
~is totally fine with just laying around in sweats and socks all day
~will take care of me when I'm sick
~will bring me my favorite flowers, just for the heck of it
~can put up with my goofiness, utterly annoying forgetfulness, and my lack of cleanliness
~is willing to be there, no matter what or where or when.
~quick to forgive, and slow to anger
~loves cellulite :o)
~gives great hugs
~has a killer smile
~will watch a chick flick every now and then
~doesn't make me do things I know I won't like
~is fine just holding hands, walking in a park, and being with me.... even if that's the whole date
~likes to go dancing
~loves surprises
~does sappy romantic things spontaneously

These are just a few things that I would love in a guy, but not all of them have to be there for me to love him. I am flexible on most of those things. And I guess I'm just doing this because I am just really wanting a boyfriend, or just a guy to be able to call at 1 am to talk with or get a hug from. But it's a real desire of my heart. I want someone to miss me when I go away, or someone to want to come with me. And I don't want to end up in an empty apartment in 15 years with two dogs, hoping someone will call or come over just so I can be less lonely.

I just figured I should see if there's something wrong with me before I go blaming the world.
Am I not putting myself out there enough? I admit, I've only met one guy at school so far, and now he's a good friend of mine, but it's been a few months, and he's the only one. Should I be flirting more, searching more, doing whatever girls do? OR should I stay as I am, waiting on the guys to do it first?

--------------""Girls--------------
-----------are like apples------
-------on trees. The best ones-----
-----are at the top of the tree.-----
---The boys dont want to reach---
--for the good ones because they--
-r afraid of falling and getting hurt.-
-Instead, they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that arent as good,
but easy. So the apples up top think
something wrong w/ them when in
-reality they're amazing. They just--
---have to wait for the right boy to
---- come along, the one who's-
----------- brave enough to-----
---------------climb all---------
---------------the way--------
--------------to the top--------
-------------of the tree.---------

Just for laughs

2007-10-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

Living out of a suitcase

2007-10-10T20:05:00.000-07:00

Hormones are mischevious things... They make you feel so many different things all at once... They make you want things you know you can't have just yet... They make you want to do something completely different, just for the heck of it. Because if you escape where you are right now, you have the false hope of doing something that will leave all problems, skeletons, any negativities whatsoever behind. Far behind, where no one you know will see them.

And I am so convinced that boys have these feelings, just as much as girls. And that leads to girls wondering what they did wrong, or what's wrong with them naturally, which leads to hormones taking over in every way.

Hormones have way too much power in my life. I think I give them that power by blaming everything I feel, every immature thing I do, every immature thing done to me on them. Instead of doing something about it, or just moving on and living each day fresh and new, I let hormones take the throne, and I just wait until they finally die and lose their reign.

All of this happens when I let it happen. Only then do I find myself in a PMS funk. The only alternative to giving in is to give it up. Giving up every single day to my God, and letting Him take care of me, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, are the only ways I can really know that I'm going to be okay. When I let hormones and feelings and problems become the biggest things I see, I forget to focus on the ENORMITY of who God is, and what He can do in my life.

I have a friend who goes from trend to trend in his life, who surfaces and resurfaces when things in each trend go wrong, and he always has an excuse to move on to the next thing in his life... something he believes will make him happy. He never has anything but excuses, and even those don't hide what is really going on in him from the ones who know him best. He never takes responsibility, and he never finishes anything he starts. He's always searching for that one thing he can stick with and graduate from, but he never stops to think that God might have something to say in the matter. When he's in the railway station of choices, he makes his own choice, and gets on the train he thinks is best for him, even if it's facing the wrong direction. And he only stops to talk to God when he gets bored on the ride, or when he needs to be just like everyone else around him. Then God lets him know he's on the wrong train, but he has to wait to get off at the next stop, leaving all the people, responsibilities, etc. behind. Only when he gets back to the original stop does he find that he can't do anything to change what he did, and he can't do anything to get back to where he was before. The cycle goes on and on... He never unpacks completely, never finds home.... on and on... living out of the same suitcase, wearing the same clothes, finding that wherever he goes, there he is.

I want to ask God what He wants from me before I take the wrong train. I don't have a suitcase big enough to take all of my junk with me, and I don't have the money for new clothes at each stop.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Hosanna

Aggies, and Babies, and Hair.... OH MY!

2007-09-26T23:47:00.001-07:00

This week has been so amazing so far, and I only have better than perfect hopes for the rest of it.... The Lord has been teaching me so much, day by day, as He is so faithful and merciful and kind to me...
A few highlights:

1. A close friend has come to his senses about what his life is all about, and who he is, which is an answered prayer! I'm so very proud of him, and so happy that he's finally back!

2. The Lord has been revealing to me what it's really like to live day by day glorifying Him in everything I do and every decision I make... and it's really hard! But by the grace of God, my eyes and heart have been opened toward doing that, and not just saying that I should. His grace still daily tends to the mistakes I make, but it's so much of an adventure that I can't even describe it to you.... I know, that isn't like me at all!

3. Along with number 2, God has answered a huge prayer of mine about finding a cause or something I can put my whole heart and passion toward, in order to glorify Him with my life, because I didn't feel like I was doing that at all, and that it would be impossible for me to do right here and now. But it's amazing how God instills that passion in me, and then turns right around and shows me the path I can take that has been right in front of me all along. Focusing on the everyday helps me to grow and mature for the future. It's also given me new motivation to find opportunities I have to use my gifts for the people around me every day.

4. I got a sweet letter from my friend in Abilene, which made my day....

5. I'm going to get my hair done tomorrow... a whole new look... and then I'm going off to Billy Bob's to dance the night away with some great friends...

6. FALL BREAK starts this weekend, and my close aggie friend is coming home, which means TONS of fun, and a whole week off this next week!

7. I get to work in Comfort Zone again this Sunday... a normal thing that has become so much of a blessing to me these past four weeks...

8. How I Met Your Mother Season 2 comes out on DVD Tuesday, which means amazingness next weekend at a watch party my friends and I are setting up...

So, pretty much, life is going really really swimmingly right about now, and I'm so excited to see what God has in store for the future. I know times get pretty tough, but it's times like these that I live for. So, I feel like going and dancing in a beautiful meadow... wanna join me?
What's going on with you???

BABY DREW IS HERE!

2007-09-19T22:45:00.000-07:00

Put To Good Use

2007-09-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

So, the free hug day didn't work out, mostly because I realized going by myself would be more dangerous than helpful... But that made me question some things about my faith in God. I look back at what I could have done this weekend, even against the noise and warnings from my friends telling me it would be too dangerous, and I wonder if I just didn't have enough faith that God was telling me to do the job. I know that if God gives me a job to do, He will not only help me in times of trouble, but He'll also give me a way out when that trouble may come. So, I'm just wondering if I'm just too comfortable in this bubble I've found myself in this semester, and if I just don't remember what it is to break out of that comfort zone.

Part of me wants to just fly across the world tomorrow and do something dangerous, but impactful, and prove to myself that I can be in that place of faith again. This being in ministry has made it harder on my spiritual walk than I could have ever imagined, and I'm thankful for it because I'm growing. But as I was saying to one of my best friends last night, it's so much easier to forget about the heart of why you do something when you are surrounded by the ways you do it. I have to-do lists, schedules, books, studies, and so many other things that are filling my plate, and that aren't bad at all. Focusing on getting those things done, though, is a job so draining, that it makes me just want to blow off steam when I have free time. I lose a sense of living for my God in that free time that used to be there in every moment, because I feel like I've been working so hard for the rest of the 20 hours of the day. And that becomes draining, too, somehow.

I don't know if I'm making any sense at all of the feelings I have, but in a nutshell it all comes down to this. I feel like I'm not putting myself out there to be used by God in a big way, because I feel the need to be so focused on all the things on my plate, and somewhere in the midst of that, I lose the heart of it. I want some amazing, life-changing cause to come my way. An opportunity that is a wide open door that God has opened up for me to go through and experience Him in a lasting way. And I want to feel like I'm being used for good purpose that will make a difference in someone else's life, and not just in my own. I want to go somewhere where I know they need Jesus, and I want to tell them and show them and fall in love with that group of people. I want to be where they are, giving them the picture of God that so many have instilled in me because of their faithful service. And I know it's so ungrateful of me to be wanting something different from where I have been so graciously and lovingly placed for this season in my life, but it's just how I feel. I know I'm in the place that I am for a reason, and I'm so thankful for the people God has put in my life, because He has truly blessed me. I just want to be that kind of a blessing for others....

Okay, I think I'm done whining for now... :o) I'm off to do some homework before my next class! Hope I haven't bogged you down with all my ranting and such, and I hope you have a great day! Keep smiling. :o)

Free Hug Day 9/15/2007

2007-09-10T19:18:00.001-07:00

In Korea...

I'll be doing this this Saturday afternoon in Dallas (exact location to be decided later). Join me if you want! Give me a call. You know the number.

Love, Dad

2007-09-10T14:01:00.000-07:00

You were formed
By My hands.
No one knows you
Better than I.

Every freckle, each scar.
The smallest speckle of
Gold in your eyes.
I made them all.

I Am beautiful,
So why would I make
You ugly, stupid, or anything less than perfect?
You are My image.

Consider the lilies of the field.
They are all alike,
But you are unique and
Special to Me.

Not one is like you,
You are who you are.
No evil can come from
My hands.

You are
My flower,
My angel,
My princess,
My little girl.

Your smile brightens
the Sun in the morning.
Let it shine all the time
To others.

Let them know My love,
And all the while,
Know and believe that
Daddy loves you.

All my love,
Dad

For My Love

2007-09-10T13:48:00.001-07:00

Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you.
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you.

Gaze into my eyes,
Let me know you'd fight
Thousands for my love.
Slip your hand in mine,
Ask me to dance with you tonight.
Ask me for my love.

I want to hide
What's deep in my eyes
I'm scared to be known by you.
I want to turn my head
And see you there.
I want to be pursued.

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you'd fight
Thousands for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight.
Ask me for my love.

A dream I won't wake from;
A story that will never end.
The ground your feet walk on...
Let me be there.

~Bethany Dillon

Out of the Box

2007-09-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

Another older one...

You know, this may be completely and totally useless, but I had this random thought today.
I was passing by the normal scenery, and I noticed something I've never seen before, even in the thousands of times I've passed it. I saw this Jack-In-The-Box sign at a random gas station, and I saw that the "o" and "x" of "box" are connected in such a way that they make the Jesus fish symbol that Christians are so proud of. And I realized,
Sometimes we need to think outside of the box to find God in the everyday things. It's not hard, but it takes a new level of thinking. You have to be aware of Him, and looking for Him. I think that's what it means when the Bible says, "seek and you shall find."
And lately, I've been finding God in the most peculiar of places. It's so weird to me that I can be looking for God in all the shallow places of my life, the obvious places to find Him working, and instead in the places where I think out of the box, I find Him everywhere. Wow.... So, in short, God never ceases to amaze me by humbling me. Everytime I think I have Him figured out, or that He may be done working with me for awhile, He shows up, mostly in the places where I need the most work, such as trusting Him to work in the mundane places of my life. It's so mind-blowing that in the little plans that I have that I think He wouldn't work in, He does, and it just makes me realize that I don't have His plans all figured out. He has so much more for me. I'm not just going to go to NLC, work at IBC, work at Saltgrass, go to Common Ground, apply to colleges, and then find a new place to live next fall... I'm going to be involved in many little things that maybe aren't so little in the big scheme of things, such as little girls in Xite Nite, new friends, resurfacing friendships.
But the main goal of it all, this whole life really, is to become that which He made me to be. To find myself, whom He made. And whatever He makes is good and perfect in its first nature, so really, I'm finding goodness.
So, an encouragement... sift through your heart and find some goodness. Examine the little things in your life that may or may not be mundane and find the goodness in it. When you drive down the street, look at the clouds while you wait at a traffic light. When you are stuck in traffic, think about the drivers around you and do a little people-watching. God is in the small stuff they say. And I say that not only that, but good is there too, because God is good. Good is God. Just try it once. It's pretty fun.
And don't forget to smile! :o)

My Girl

2007-09-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

Another vintage post from my Facebook... just thought I would post it.

I was lying in my bed, half asleep from the day's exhaustion, thinking about the way my life will turn out. Or better yet, the way I would love for it to turn out. Two or three kids, two boys and a girl, an adorable husband with the softest brown hair and deepest blue eyes and the sweetest sense of humor, all of it mine. I could rejoice in the Lord for the great things He would have done for me, for what He would have given me. Then I feel the soft caress of a warm finger tracing the lines of my cheekbone as I lay my head against my pillow, the weight of a person sitting beside me on the bed. I open my sleepy eyes to see the most beautiful man watching me rest. He plays with the tendrils of my hair, wraps his fingers around mine, lifts my hand and kisses it softly as a prince would do for his princess.
"You know," he says, "you are truly beautiful when you are at such rest. I can tell what you were imagining. But I do have a question to ask you."
As I lift my head, he gently rests it back upon the downy pillow. What could he ask me that would ever make me uncomfortable? Just looking at him made me feel at peace. His deep blue eyes seemed to see right through me, looking straight into my soul and doing some repair work as he continued to speak.
"If I were to appear like this to you every night and every morning, would you want to spend more time with me? Would you love me more? Would you believe me more steadfastly when I say that I love you more than anything in my creation? You do know that those flowers in that field you pass every morning on the way to school is my bouquet for you, right? That sunrise that wakes you to each new day is only the beginning of the blessings I have in store for each day of your life. If I had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. I could not have made a more perfect being for your soul to reside in, not a more perfect soul to grow into for you. You will always have my beckoned call. I will always be at your side. I long to talk with you about your day, what you did, who you were with, about the deep desires of your heart that I placed there for a reason. You will always be my favorite thing to watch and delight in. You have some growing up to do, but you could never be more perfect to me than you are right now. And with age, comes more beauty. I have incredible plans for your life, but I do need you to believe me when I say that I do, because I know you like to take things into your own hands. But believe me, sweetie, I do. And I just know that you will be happy if you trust me to give you those blessings. It won't be easy all the time, but I'm always here. I'm forever right beside you to hold your hand when you're scared, lonely, tired, restless, anxious, whatever. And there are no better hands to hold.
But do you really need me to come to you like this? Physical form is just another expression of love for you that I have planned for another day. That day will be amazing, let me tell you now, but you are strong enough in heart to wait for that day. The companion you may want right now is not going to satisfy you like I have, do, and will. So, just trust me. All will be taken care of in due time. And for now, life is going to be a beautiful dance for us to waltz to, my girl. So, go back to sleep. Sweet dreams. I'll still be here when you wake up. I love you."
I woke up to find that no man was there, no trace of anyone ever being with me at all. But I knew in my heart that He would take care of me. I can trust Him to always look out for my best interest. And I can find Him in the little things that make everyday special. Oh what a wonderful Love I have.

I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet...

It may not be the way I would have chosen
But you lead me through a world that's not my home
And you never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone....

Here Am I

2007-09-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a while back, but it seems appropriate for life right now... it's just been coming up in conversation, so I thought I would post it. Hope you like it!

When was the last time you daydreamed about unicorns or being a rock star or winning the Olympic gold medal? When was the last time you were asked what you wanted to be when you grew up? Imagination. It’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it? As kids, we could do anything we set our minds to. We could play with dolls and pretend about our futures as mommies, doctors, lawyers, or even the first female President of the United States. We could do anything we wanted in our imaginations. But as we got older, that innocence is lost somewhere along the way. Somewhere down the line, we forget about the big dreams. Even in our spiritual walks, we lose that innocence. When I get to teach fourth grade girls on Sunday mornings, I find myself standing in awe of their love for life, their spirit. They don’t let the hard things in life get them down. And, believe me, the trials really start early. Then I look at myself and wonder why I let so many things like college applications and stressful weeks take over my spirit and eat away at my joy. This past Sunday, our fourth grade girls’ class challenged my girls to encourage the adults around them to be strong and courageous in the Lord, and to use their imaginations. I believe I learned so much more from them than they did from me. In our youth group meeting later that day, the basics of the Bible were taught. Since our God is ultimately powerful over everything and can do whatever He wants, and since He loves us more than anything, then naturally He wants the best for us. So, why do we worry so much about the little stuff? What theologians call “child-like faith‿ is exactly what we need to learn once again! Having the simple faith that this amazing God loves us, no matter what, is enough to conquer our fears. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t doubt sometimes, because we all do. But that the Lord God Almighty is with us, so whom shall we fear? So, like Joshua, let us be strong and courageous, neither afraid nor discouraged (Joshua 1:9). Let’s use our imaginations to imagine the greatest thing God could use us to do in this world, and then let Him do His will for His glory. We are all like Isaiah in Isaiah 6. He was at the very throne of God, and was cleansed out of love. Seeing our Lord’s glory before his own eyes, he knew that God is everything and can do anything. So, let’s be like him and shout to the Lord, “Here am I! Send me!," because we know and believe in our hearts that He will use His beloved children to do His wonderful work-- the young, the old, the girls and the women. “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example in life, love, faith, and purity" (1 Timothy 4:12). We weren’t given a teenage Holy Spirit, let us use our imaginations and see what God sees because “all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).

Dancing and Delighting

2007-09-08T11:53:00.000-07:00

So, this week has been so full of drama... and if you know me well at all, you know how much I hate drama. And the thing is, I brought it all on myself really. It's incredible to me to think about the sheer amount of crap God puts up with in order to delight in me. This week has bruised me to the point that I am exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster it has been. I am tired and worn and eroded. I am pallid and empty as I type this, but He is truly amazing, and if there's one thing I've learned from this past week it's that He is the constant. He is the only constant in my life. Friends will come and go, relationships may or may not happen, happiness is a relative term, and God is the only constant among everything. He is my Rock, He is the only firm entity in my life, and He will never ever change. I fall more deeply in love with Him everytime I realize that. His is the romance of all romances. His dance is the masterpiece. His plans for me are unfailing in faithfulness and love and goodness. He has ridden me of all bitterness, He has given me a fresh new start, He has filled my days with moments I am blessed with in order to ultimately glorify Him. His plans for me started as an empty canvas, and every brushstroke and every color mixture is a planned portion of goodness He willingly and knowingly makes on that canvas. His artistry is unmatched, and His delight is in that artistry. He makes it unique, meaningful, purposeful, and beautiful. And He means every thing He says about and does to it. Who am I to come and try to fingerpaint all over it? Who am I to come and draw stick figures, trying to teach Him how to make it a masterpiece? When that thought finally crosses my mind, I am able to see the putrid horrors I have done to the work in progress, and can do nothing but fall to my knees at His work stool. I can do nothing but let the tears flow at the disappointment I know He must feel in me, because I know too well that it isn't my first time. In that very moment of self-loathing and shame, though, He lifts my chin and uses His apron and compassionate hands to wipe the tears from my face, He searches my eyes until they have met His, and reminds me of His never-ending delight. He lovingly uses my colors and mistakes to make an even brighter, bolder, more beautiful look about it. And I cannot imagine a more exquisite piece of art.I am so truly blessed, and I cannot imagine a better place for me to be in than right here. So, let His plans take over. Let Him have His way. He knows what is best, and He will bring it about in His oh so perfect timing. Whatever I know is true, I know it comes from Him, and only truth can set me free. "It is for freedom that He has set us free." So now I frolic, twirl, smile, sing and dance in the freedom that is a carefree life of love, lived out to please only Him.

Blessed is the man...

[whose] delight is in the law of the LORD,

and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water

whose leaf does not wither.

Whatever he does prospers.